Tuesday, December 19, 2006
i hate rainy days. still do.
still heartbroken
over what?
cant put my finger on what exactly it is.
but i know
deep down in me
it's the pits of undiminished unhappiness.
my confidence chart is soaring pitifully in the opposite direction
my smile cant help but hangs upside down
and where's my zeal?
apparently seemed to have been washed off by the monsoons
what's happening to me?
i asked this question the trillionth time.
no answer.
no clue.
nothing.
But still sleepless nights stuck onto me like leeches
draining me of my deserved rest
weeks after weeks.
a daily average of 3 hours sleep
is considered as a comfort -
at least i managed to get some sleep.
it's not the endless sprees of thoughts
which resulted in this unsettled mind to tune me in the dozed off mode.
bitterness, unhappiness, hurt, sorrow -
the perfect culprits.
Fear of going to work the next day -
having been replaced at work by a new hire
having to face the challenges that i have to face by myself
not knowing who are the people to trust
having to brace myself with yet another daily battle of verbal sarcasm
- these are few of the very reasons why this sadness is erupting within me.
Honestly, i try not to bother thinking about these things as
probing obviously is not gonna help solve this problem.
but some negative stuff just stick with you
though you may have thought you've moved on.
was on leave for 3 days last week
and during this period,
they're conducting interviews for my position.
and to say to my coworkers that they're hiring someone to help me.
that's honestly hypocritical
- reason being, nothing was mentioned to me of any new hire to support me even up to today.
And why do they have to conduct the interviews so secertively?
I know it's a matter of time they fire me.
i don't mind working in the office till 8,9, 10, 11 plus into the evening
just to finish up my work
but do they appreciate?
what's the point of working when you're being taken granted for?
never felt so exploited in this slave aka employer industry
however, on a lighter note,
I'm fine actually,
coz I'm learning quite a fair bit from this job.
but my threshold for tolerance of disrespect
is almost up.
wanna quit this job so bad
but honestly comparatively
suffering at work
beats being home and be driven mad by my parents' relentless pressures and demoralising preaching.
yea on the brink of going berserk in silence
my expressions are close to a big fat zero
my smile feels more like a sulk.
I'm sinking in deeper
the more i try to climb back up.
daddy jesus, i know you're here by my side.
open my eyes and my heart
to allow me to witness your goodness in all these tragedies.
make remedy known to your brokenhearted child.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Petrified by fearEaten alive by my weaknesses and disfavours in my daily work schedule.
Often i wondered how each day went by
Though leaving me with a much broken heart,
But strengthened to move forward.
To many, i may appear as a emotional creature;
ever being witness(es) of the collapsed state of tear streams.
Unintentional as i want it, did it bother me?
Yes initially.
But do i allow others' thoughts of me to bother and linger within me?
I can try all i want by my own human strength,
and it's not gonna work the least bit.
That's why I'm kept awake till this hour, unable to fall asleep simply due to unhappiness in my heart.
I do not deserve to be treated the way i am.
I should still wear the smiles i used to always do,
and not be robbed of my smiles due to work and coworkers.
My eyes are dried out of tears,
but my heart is bleeding profusely.
However, all Daddy's promises are YES and AMEN! All things which Daddy Jesus allow to occur in my life will mount up in the making of a more Christ-Conscious and Jesus-Secured me.