Friday, September 22, 2006
frankly, i enjoy being who i am.
being silly, ingorant, outragrous at times, so predictable, emo mania, loves to eat candies, sensitive freak, throws a tantrum or two! (cut me some slack, unless i admitted!) haa.
i do love myself for being for i am. (=
however, many a times, im often way too troubled by what others have to say about me.
hence that's all it takes to have myself hate myself. =/
isnt it strange? haa.
slowly, i have come to realise that what i fear the very most is acceptance and loneliness.
since i was a child, i was brought up feeling the best i can do is 2nd best, the you-could-have-done-better culture. it just seemed like i was never good enough in studies, never prettier than that cousin of mine or maybe never that filial as someone else's child.
such constant battle of comparsions have cultivated this low self esteem in me. and made me hate myself for not being good enough and being liked by others. my insecurity was on a high.
realised that it stuck with me all these while, that i can never be the best i anything though i may be but often decevied to think likewise.
no doubt little things still affect me and make me shed tears of the zillion timeth, but now, i know that i have Jesus as my shield, as my protector.
no battle is too big for him to handle. whether if it's my battle at work, loneliness barrier, weight issues, gossipmongers, singlehood, friendlessness; Jesus has overcome them all in my life and am willingly to stick with me throughout my entire life.
i think that's a gift of a lifetime.
Friday, September 08, 2006
my wound deepen with the dash of each passing dayfeel more and more useless about myself after each working day
i started to question my own capabilities and relationship-building skills
eventually, just wind up feeling plainly lousy about myself after an entire day of what has been said about and to me.
overwhelmed with multiple double standards attacks, prejudice and biasness that makes me so rejected and demoralised to move on with my work.
No doubt having the heart of perseverance to wake up and get to work daily but i never felt so rejected in a working environment before.
me being nice is a minus point to my boss;
being mean and bitchy deem to his liking.
daddy god, i need your strength to move on everyday.
all my battles you have single-handedly won for me, im sure.
i do not know what good is coming out of this,
but i know You are faithful.
may not have a someone to speak my soul to,
only You daddy jesus i can depend.
im such a different person at work,
i barely smile or speak to people sometimes,
coz im just constantly smacked with scarsams.
Even part-timers are not showing me much respect,
neither are a-week old interns, but certainly are getting into the favour book of my boss.
end of the day, i cant help but question "Why me?".
God i know you are faithful,
stick with me every single moment,
hold me when my legs are too exhausted to continue the walk,
catch me before i run out of breath and collapse.
Teach me to decline all human's thoughts and opionons towards me,
and simply just cast my sight to You.
Spare me from all the fiery darts according to your will.
Allow nothing but all Your glory and goodness shine through your child all the days of her life.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
just caught the moive "The Devil Wears Prada"; for me, it was a 2 thumbs up flick.
kinda reminded me to be of good cheer and faith in the area of my work.
it's a struggle to go work everyday.
i start questioning about my capabilities and relationship-building skills each and every single work day, every waking moment of it.
resent the fact that i get demoralisedly curshed when im being critic by everyone else in the office, from the way i speak - trying to impersonate and tease my "act-cute" voice, to pushing shity jobs to me to do, to just speaking lowly of me and embarrassed me in front of everyone else.
god, why do i have to go through all these that i have to undergo - i often question.
i do not how to react to all these things going on simultaneously, teach me.
i have so many questions , desperately awaiting for answers.
life seemed to have slipped into the dark shadows where it seemed that daddy god had forgotten about me and hence the neglience of my happiness.
it's really crap the dumb enemy is trying to stir up within my thoughts.
i may be hard pressed on the surface, but deep within i know Daddy God still blesses me ever so abundantly.
i need not look at my outward situations to grade if im blessed or not.
i am blessed even when situations dont change instanteously.
what topped the icing of the cake is this;
as i was about to head into my room, i heard this wail of cries coming from the room next to mine - which is my parents'.
it was my mother crying -- in acute pain.
her headache is way inbearable for her that got her flooding in tears.
it made her paralysed to move from her neck upwards.
it was a terrifying scene seeing your mother lying there helplessly, wailing and crying in pain and you cant do much to help.
within, i was frantically praying for her healing.
really thank god, the pain just subside and went away, allowing her to fall asleep and get some rest.
part of me just wanted to pick up the phone and call someone to confide with. and i realised i have no one i could turn to.
my friend made a comment about me yesterday when we went out,
"i realised that you have very few friends coz you hardly received any calls while we were out."
friendships turnover rates are very high.
but i have my best friend who'll come to my comfort when i call upon the name.
my dear friend, Jesus.
Thanks for your everlasting faithul love.
With <3,
melly
kinda reminded me to be of good cheer and faith in the area of my work.
it's a struggle to go work everyday.
i start questioning about my capabilities and relationship-building skills each and every single work day, every waking moment of it.
resent the fact that i get demoralisedly curshed when im being critic by everyone else in the office, from the way i speak - trying to impersonate and tease my "act-cute" voice, to pushing shity jobs to me to do, to just speaking lowly of me and embarrassed me in front of everyone else.
god, why do i have to go through all these that i have to undergo - i often question.
i do not how to react to all these things going on simultaneously, teach me.
i have so many questions , desperately awaiting for answers.
life seemed to have slipped into the dark shadows where it seemed that daddy god had forgotten about me and hence the neglience of my happiness.
it's really crap the dumb enemy is trying to stir up within my thoughts.
i may be hard pressed on the surface, but deep within i know Daddy God still blesses me ever so abundantly.
i need not look at my outward situations to grade if im blessed or not.
i am blessed even when situations dont change instanteously.
what topped the icing of the cake is this;
as i was about to head into my room, i heard this wail of cries coming from the room next to mine - which is my parents'.
it was my mother crying -- in acute pain.
her headache is way inbearable for her that got her flooding in tears.
it made her paralysed to move from her neck upwards.
it was a terrifying scene seeing your mother lying there helplessly, wailing and crying in pain and you cant do much to help.
within, i was frantically praying for her healing.
really thank god, the pain just subside and went away, allowing her to fall asleep and get some rest.
part of me just wanted to pick up the phone and call someone to confide with. and i realised i have no one i could turn to.
my friend made a comment about me yesterday when we went out,
"i realised that you have very few friends coz you hardly received any calls while we were out."
friendships turnover rates are very high.
but i have my best friend who'll come to my comfort when i call upon the name.
my dear friend, Jesus.
Thanks for your everlasting faithul love.
With <3,
melly